Satanic Rites 3/Satanic Rites - Issue 3 (1992-11-24)(Destiny).adf/slappers/slappers

Text File | 1990-01-05 | 6KB | 153 lines

  And now for a stuuning interview with Delbs/LSD and Blancmange/Cosine.

{cSR:{a  Firstly, why hasn't Ben (Blancmange) got a copy of Cygnus Ed?

{cBlancmange:{a  I prefer using Genam!

{cSR:{a  It's also very crap.  Doesn't that mean you're a slapper?

{cBlancmange:{a   Definately  not!   If you want an old slapper look at Delbs with
his Grey hair!

[Delbs thwacks Ben with a rubber chicken]

{cSR:{a  So Delbs, how do you explain your Grey hair, and have you tried `Just for
Men?'

{cDelbs:{a   Well  the reason for my shades of grey hair is a long one (oo er) but
the  main  reason  is that I worry so much about leaving stuff around Benders,
only  for  him to vandalise it with his soldering iron!!  As for just for men!
Well what can I say except it's a quality magazine!!!

{cSR:{a  Who's this `Bender' guy?

{cDelbs:{a   Quite simply it's Blancmange/Cosine.  That's why everyone in Bender's
house wears slip on shoes!!

{c{cSR:{a{a  So tell us about life in LSD...

{cDelbs:{a  Humm I think I'll call my lawyer before I say anything libelous.

{c{cSR:{a{a  So Ben, why have we congregated today?

{cBlancmange:{a   Well  the  simple  answer is that we are going to be taking some
photos  for  our  forthcoming  demo, and some mug-shots for this mag!  A quick
reply to Delbs' comment, at least I don't go on bus-rides with fat smelly men.

{c{cSR:{a{a   I  went with Delbs on a bus ride today.  (Whahey!) Were you referring to
me?  (you miserable bastard)

{cBlancmange:{a   No,  the  person  who  I am refering to is one of Delbs' coolest
contacts!  (One of his only ones!)

{c{cSR:{a{a  Ok then.  Where the hell did you find the name Blancmadge?

{cBlancmange:{a  Well, the original idea for it was thought up a while back whilst
out  Blancmanging  someones  car!   And  I  thought  hey,  what  a cool handle
Blancmange is!  So I used it.

{c{cSR:{a{a  Work that one out!  Delbs, when are you going to join DTY?

{cDelbs:{a  How much will you pay me?  [for joining, or afterwards?  -Ben]

{c{cSR:{a{a  You'll be paid in kind.  Believe me.

{cDelbs:{a  oo er!  sign me up straight away!

{c{cSR:{a{a  Sign, or strap?

{cDelbs:{a  Take your pick!

{c{cSR:{a{a   Neither.   Please  stay in LSD!  Ben, what dark secrets do you hold from
the World?

{cBlancmange:{a   I  can't  think  of  anything  except  I know one of Delbs' dark
secrets is that he has a fetish for well-oiled courgettes!?!?!

{cDelbs:{a  How d'you find that one out?

{c{cSR:{a{a   Why  are  you wearing a FATHER CHRISTMAS hat in the middle of September?
(Slapper....)

{cBlancmange:{a   It's  not  September  it  is  an  actual  illusion  and today is
yestersausage!

{cDelbs:{a  Keep sniffing those toilet seats, Ben.

{c{cSR:{a{a  Delbs, why has Ben such bad taste in music?

{cDelbs:{a   I  don't  know I think it's got something to do with an incident from
his childhood, concerning a goldfish and 250Lbs of whipped angel delight!!

{cBlancmange:{a   My  music taste is cool, At least I don't like NKOTB and The Pet
Shop Boys like you Delbs!

{cDelbs:{a   Look  Bender!  Just because you like Dire Strait doesn't mean you can
take  the  piss  out everyone elses music tastes!  There's no need to take the
mick out NKOTB.  They're a quality group.  (Just like Slipstream)

{cBlancmange:{a   Hey,  I  am  only  critising your music tastes because anyone in
their right mind can see that NKOTB are complete shit!

{c{cSR:{a{a  Speaking of music tastes, Ben, we've just found `24 Goofy Greats' in your
record collection.  How do you explain THIS?

{cBlancmange:{a   That  was given to me by a friend(?) as a return present after I
gave him 1 and a Mary-Davis Album!?!?!?

{c{cSR:{a{a  Delbs, why do you find it sooooo difficult to pronounce the word `bus'?

{cDelbs:{a  Well it's because I've known Benjamin too long!

{cBlancmange:{a  Shut up there Derick!  Remember Dericks Don't Run!

{c{cSR:{a{a  Ben, is it true you like the film `Bad Taste'?

{cBlancmange:{a   Yes,  the  rumours  are true, it is the best film ever made, and
Basket Weaver will agree!

{c{cSR:{a{a   So  you  confess  that  YOU  have  perhaps the WORST TASTE in the entire
universe?

{cDelbs:{a  This could be true.  Anyone who likes DIRE STRAITS, that says it all.

{cBlancmange:{a  For the last time I do not like DIRE STRAITS, and `Bad Taste' the
film, is cool!

{c{cSR:{a{a  This, coming from a man with a Father Chrimbo hat on.  If you're so anti-
Dire Straits, why did you just type the band name in CAPITALS?

{cBlancmange:{a   Just  because  I've  got milk in my fridge doesn't mean to say I
keep a cow in the back garden!

{cCow in the back garden:{a  Mooooooooo!

{c{cSR:{a{a  You don't deny it then.

{cBlancmange:{a   I do not like dire straits, I used to like them a long time ago,
but that was when Delbs liked Tom Jones and Val Donagen!

{c{cSR:{a{a  Delbs told me only last night that he listened to Tom Jones.

{cDelbs:{a  Indeed I did.

{cBlancmange:{a  Aren't you in fact Tom Jones?

{cDelbs:{a   Yes,  can't you see the resemblance?  My life is in tatters.  I don't
know  how  you  find  these  things out, I'll go home to people throwing their
knickers at me.

{cBlancmange:{a  I bet you've got a big stick down your trousers as well.

{cDelbs:{a  You've been looking when I've been to the toilet again, haven't you?

{c{cSR:{a{a   I'll interrupt here before you guys tear each other apart.  Who are your
favourite TV personalities, and why?

{cBlancmange:{a  My favourites are Thora Hird, for being so sexy!  And also Harold
Bishop for looking like Dean!

{cDelbs:{a  It has to be Timmy Mallet.  The man is a genius!!

{c{cSR:{a{a  And on that note.  D#